Coping With Grief

An anencephaly diagnosis forces parents and family members to confront the loss of a child, whether they decide to carry the infant to full term or electively end the pregnancy. Grieving over this loss is a long, difficult process, but there are certain strategies that can help you cope and individuals and organizations that can offer counseling and sympathy.

What to Expect

You may surprise yourself with the way you feel after your child’s anencephaly diagnosis. The fact is that everyone grieves in their own way, and you and your partner may have different responses to the diagnosis. For you, it may be cathartic to speak about the child often, or it may be better to never bring them up; what is an effective coping strategy for you might be different for your spouse or partner. It’s important to remain communicative about how you’re feeling and to validate one another’s approach to grief, even if you grieve in different ways.

Anger: This is one of the first emotions that can present itself when coping with grief, especially with something as little understood as anencephaly. Anger is normal, and it may manifest itself in looking for someone to blame, be it God, the doctors, or yourself. It’s important to discuss these feelings with someone, such as a counselor, your spouse, a minister, or a support group. Anger that isn’t expressed can manifest itself later as depression.
Guilt: Even though anencephaly is a little understood birth defect, parents may find themselves feeling personally guilty after the diagnosis. The mother may blame herself for not taking enough prenatal vitamins, for overstressing during the pregnancy, or for a million other actions. Like feelings of anger, guilty feelings should be discussed with one another or in a support setting; exploring the guilt with others can help parents see that the anencephaly diagnosis was not their fault.

Other Changes You May Experience

Emotional Changes: Your internal emotional life is likely to experience many changes when grieving over the loss of a child. Your mood may be unsteady and you may experience quick, overwhelming changes in your emotions. Some may dwell on thoughts of the child constantly.
Physical Issues: The extreme emotional trauma of an anencephaly diagnosis is likely to manifest itself in physical ways too. You may experience a lack of appetite, trouble sleeping, tiredness, and a general restlessness. Some may turn to alcohol and drugs to help cope during this period; while these stimulants may provide immediate relief, it’s important to remember that their overuse can prolong the grieving period.
Sexual Concerns: Many parents experience a change in their sex life after the loss of an infant. Some may temporarily lose interest in sex and associate having sex with the loss of their child. Others may want to immediately engage in trying to have another child to help alleviate the grief of the anencephaly diagnosis. Everyone is different, and it’s important to be sensitive to your partner’s feelings at this time.

How to Help Yourself and One Another

Find Support: An online or in-person support group can be a great way to air feelings and work through the grieving process. Psychiatrists, couples counseling, or a religious leader can provide support and advice.
Maintain Communication: Studies have shown that couples can best weather the storm of grief together when they maintain open lines of communication. Being honest but gentle with one another can help strengthen the relationship through the trial of grief.

Source:

Coping With the Loss of a Child. (2010) Naomi Bower & Kimber Peart. Utah State University.